Having a chronic and debilitating but non-life-threatening illness is frustrating and at times humiliating. For me, it's migraines and chronic fatigue.
I've been to every kind of doctor, both traditional and alternative for years. I've tried every treatment available to rid me of this disorder to no avail.
I remember life before migraines loomed so large in my life, and I really miss it. I miss feeling comfortable enough for a car ride, or having the energy and good spirits to visit a friend or have a friend over.
Most of all, I really dislike how so many people simply don't understand how this chronic condition hampers me so much.
When the migraines first started, they came infrequently, and didn't affect my life very much. However now that they are an almost daily occurrence, it affects everything in my life.
I'm hesitant to make any firm plans with friends or family, because I've had to cancel out so many times. This is frustrating for those members of friends and family, but I too am frustrated.
Of course, many people who do not have migraines think of them as simply really bad headaches. They have no idea that it's a full body experience. There's not only the head pain, but there are visual disturbances, and vertigo sometimes verging on dizziness, and oh, the nausea.
If it were just a bad headache, believe me, I'd be delighted! It's the attendant discomfort that really gets to me. It's hard to even contemplate going for a car ride when I already feel more than carsick.
The worst though is when people who are close to me start to believe that it's "all in my head", or that I'm faking it to get out of a function or a get-together.
I can tell you that this is not the case. Yet I've lost friends over it. That I understand. It's hard to be friends with someone you can't count on. What has hurt me is having family members who refuse to understand my state and are judging me.
I honestly try to start out each day with a positive outlook, and I try to be as cheerful as I can be, but sometimes, it's just not easy.
And then there's the guilt. I would love to be able to do more, not only around the house, but out and about in the world. Some days, I just can't do certain things and even though I know that I can only do what I am able to do, guilt creeps in.
Also, there is the guilt of knowing that there are so many people who are fighting life-threatening conditions, yet seem to be more active than I am.
I know that many of you who read this are living with some debilitating chronic conditions. I wonder if any of you experience the same thoughts feelings or frustrations.
If you've read this far, thank you. I just needed to get some of those thoughts off my chest. I am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I would like a bit of understanding though.
'Til tomorrow, my friends. Much love to all.