I suppose it was obvious yesterday that I have been swallowed up in the hormonal black fog once again. Peri-menopause wasn't this bad; I must really be pre-menopausal now.
Thank you for the kind and loving comments in response to yesterday's post.
It would likely be therapeutic for me to describe how I am feeling, and maybe some of you can relate. I feel anxious, yet hollow. I can't seem to smile. I feel a vague heartbroken feeling. I feel literally and figuratively almost paralyzed, in body and in mind. My mind feels clogged up. I have a lump in my throat, as though I need a good cry, but I can't work up the tears. My limbs feel as though they're made of sandbags. My face is wearing a blank expression.
After having been feeling very positive about many aspects of myself for months now, I can't seem to remember what those good things about me are right now. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I don't like who I am at the moment. I can't seem to get myself to accomplish even the simplest household task, although I am going to force myself to do two household chores between now and bedtime that I really don't want to do.
I was praying that a good night's sleep would make today a little better, but while I did have a decent sleep, today is no better than yesterday was.
Most of all, I feel so bad for my son and husband who are living with me right now. They are doing their best to cope, but I am sure that my mood and lack of being really present is taking a toll on them.
I'll be discussing all of this with my doctor, since it's no longer just a fluke of a mood that is just lasting a day or two. I was feeling much better for several days, but this fog returned so completely and without notice. This is not the blues. This is the blacks, and it's not pretty.
My daughter is coming home on Friday for that week's visit. I pray that I can feel like a functioning human being during her visit, or I don't know how I'll cope. I'm just hanging on by a thread, but I am hanging on.
So I'll reiterate; I will be discussing all of this with my doctor. And no, I'm not at the point of doing anything self-destructive in any way.
I know that there is a way out of this fog. I just have to find it.
'Til tomorrow, my friends. Much love to all.