I suppose it was obvious yesterday that I have been swallowed up in the hormonal black fog once again. Peri-menopause wasn't this bad; I must really be pre-menopausal now.
Thank you for the kind and loving comments in response to yesterday's post.
It would likely be therapeutic for me to describe how I am feeling, and maybe some of you can relate. I feel anxious, yet hollow. I can't seem to smile. I feel a vague heartbroken feeling. I feel literally and figuratively almost paralyzed, in body and in mind. My mind feels clogged up. I have a lump in my throat, as though I need a good cry, but I can't work up the tears. My limbs feel as though they're made of sandbags. My face is wearing a blank expression.
After having been feeling very positive about many aspects of myself for months now, I can't seem to remember what those good things about me are right now. I don't like what I see in the mirror. I don't like who I am at the moment. I can't seem to get myself to accomplish even the simplest household task, although I am going to force myself to do two household chores between now and bedtime that I really don't want to do.
I was praying that a good night's sleep would make today a little better, but while I did have a decent sleep, today is no better than yesterday was.
Most of all, I feel so bad for my son and husband who are living with me right now. They are doing their best to cope, but I am sure that my mood and lack of being really present is taking a toll on them.
I'll be discussing all of this with my doctor, since it's no longer just a fluke of a mood that is just lasting a day or two. I was feeling much better for several days, but this fog returned so completely and without notice. This is not the blues. This is the blacks, and it's not pretty.
My daughter is coming home on Friday for that week's visit. I pray that I can feel like a functioning human being during her visit, or I don't know how I'll cope. I'm just hanging on by a thread, but I am hanging on.
So I'll reiterate; I will be discussing all of this with my doctor. And no, I'm not at the point of doing anything self-destructive in any way.
I know that there is a way out of this fog. I just have to find it.
'Til tomorrow, my friends. Much love to all.
xo
Where I've Been and Where I Am
2 years ago
Perhaps I can remind you of some of your positive qualities, Franny. You are very genuine and kind, always ready to stand up for what is right and decent. You have a loving, warm personality and I just know that you are a wonderful Mother to your children. You share so much of yourself here, and of course you share your many talents also. When I was in the middle of my "crisis" you rallied with so much support and wise advice, I will be forever grateful. I hope once your daughter arrives home your spirits will be lifted and you can enjoy her company. Sleep Tight, Sweet Dreams......Tomorrow will be better.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're not feeling well :(:( I know how it's like when I'm feeling down, full of worries or insecurities... Yet I have nothing smart to suggest, save for the things that work for me. If only I could help!
ReplyDeleteWhat helps me is forgetting about everything, just for a while. A good book (preferably something humorous or written in a witty manner) and listening to Mozart are a sure way to make me feel at least a little better.
I'm hoping that today you'll be your old self. You have so much to be proud of!
Be loving and kind to yourself! Remember to treat yourself as a friend that you care about.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could look into finding a therapist? That has been very helpful for me.
Lulu, to say thank you is simply insufficient. I can't begin to tell you how much your words affected me, and how grateful I am to you. I hope you'll just know in your heart how dear your message was to me.
ReplyDeleteOhtawen, thank you for the supportive and kind words. I took some of your suggestions. I really appreciate you.
Aamba, wise words indeed about how to treat myself. Thank you so much.